Couldn't see you leave

It was 16th August, 2014, exactly one month ago. My brother came to pick me up from the station. On my way back home, I asked him to take me directly to the hospital where mummy was admitted. He suggested that we should first go home so that I can keep my bags there and then he will take me to the hospital. We reached home and and I looked towards my apartment (my house is on the third floor) and I saw many unknown people standing there. I asked my brother about them and he said they are just a bunch of people who have come to meet my father. I got a bit curious and after reaching my apartment I saw my father sitting on the floor just outside the door. My bag fell from my shoulder and I looked through the door, THERE SHE WAS, LYING ON THE FLOOR (Mummy). I was numb. For few minutes it felt like my entire body was paralysed. My world just collapsed and I lost my GOD. She was lying there on a white bed sheet with cotton in her nostrils and with her hands folded. My god you took away the ground beneath my feet, where do I go now ? I ran to her and started touching her face, asking her to wake up and talk to me once before leaving us alone in this really big world. I tried waking her up for two hours but it was the first time ever that mummy did not respond to my scream, my tears and my requests. She was the only one, who understood me when I could not even speak and that day, I was screaming but she did not move a bit. I kept staring at her pale face, her eyes were half shut and her lips half parted. Felt like she is looking at me and will get up any moment and start talking because I came home to meet her because she asked me to come home and she cannot just go away like this without meeting me.
It all started on 21st of November, 2013. She was admitted in the hospital that day and after so many tests, finally the doctors diagnosed her with CANCER. Our hearts skipped not one but many beats when we found out. The treatment began and we did every possible thing to save her and she was recovering after her chemotherapy. I always used to tell her that mummy sab theek ho jaayega, we will be happy again and when we come home next time, you will have to cook for us kyunki itne dino se khana khaane ka man hi nahi ho raha hai, ek baar tum theek ho jaaogi toh sab accha ho jaayega. She looked at me with tears in her eyes saying that 'let me go, there is nothing left for me now'. I wanted to tell her that if you leave, there will be nothing left for us here mummy. After few days, her condition started deteriorating because the fourth chemo failed and the cancer started spreading in her body. Even though the results were not positive, I was still holding on with strong hope that God can never be this ruthless, he will cure my mother. But he snatched away my mother very mercilessly. She was in immense pain and people used to say that pray god to free her from this life because keeping her alive like this would do no good but how can a child pray for her mother's death ? I was praying for her life and that does not make me selfish because she is my mother and I wanted her to live. This was the defeat of a daughter's hope, a husband's hard work. I will carry this guilt till the end of my life that I did not get the opportunity to meet her for the one last time. I missed her by 6 hours or maybe she decided to leave early because had she met me, I WOULDN'T HAVE LET HER GO.  

                "The mother's memories that are closest to my heart are the small gentle ones that I have carried over from the days of my childhood. They are not profound, but they have stayed with me through life, and when I am very old, they will still be near." 
                                                                                           -Margaret Sanger

It's not meant to be perfect !!

Sometimes you do not know what went wrong and you sit in a corner with hands folded on your knees all alone wondering what did you do now (ab mujhse kya galti ho gai). When you look around for answers, there's no one who would give you one or even sit with you just to listen to what's going on with you. They will just make you count all those times when you did not even have the least intention of doing anything wrong, those times when circumstances around you made you sound wrong. You can't do anything about it because no one would listen to your side of story because they have their own ways of defining you. That is when you feel that nothing is in place and that you're responsible for the mess that has been created. Sometimes its just too dark and alone out there.
 In a world which is over populated, what will you do when you find yourself all alone and not a soul who thinks alike ?? When you have failed in satisfying people or acting as per their wish, what is that you'll do next ?? This is the time when you should look for answers within yourself. This is the time when you will find out about yourself. You have been neglecting yourself for long and now go back to yourself and find out what went wrong. Seek answers within yourself and you will know the places you have been wrong and the places where circumstances were not in your favour. You can obviously not have everything in place, somewhere, some or the other thing will go wrong. So do not think that nothing is good in your life and that life is not worth living. It's okay to make mistakes sometimes and its okay to have been misunderstood because life is not meant to satisfy everyone around you or to feed their ego.
 Even though people around are complicated, caught in the cobwebs of life, you can at least try to be simple and easy going. Do not over-think or over-analyse a situation and always know one thing that god has his ways of doing right things at the right time and there will come a time when everyone will know about the things you never did. Till then live life the way you want it, make most of it cause its just one life and half of it passes by without even you realising it. Avoid hurting or harming others and when situations pull you down leaving no one around you, remember to be your BEST FRIEND :)